Re: The Official Screenplay Critique Thread
Uh..How do I post links again??:/
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Uh..How do I post links again??:/
1) Subscribe to Dropbox.com (I couldn't make files public so I subscribed to box.com)
2) Upload a pdf script to your (drop)box account.
3) cut & paste the URL here.
Or upload it to Box.com or MediaFire or something.
[Edit]
I have a screenplay I would like someone to look at… In fact I asked some people here to look at it a year ago but no one did so I decided to begin animating it… I wanted to finish by the end of 2013, but I never got past scene two. I can change anything past scene two, and maybe scenes one and two with severe editing, which I'm good at.
[Edit 2]
Here's the link: http://www.mediafire.com/view/9q3vgb5c4 … raft_9.pdf
Last edited by jasper (June 24, 2014 (08:16pm))
TENNY:
I only have a few minutes online but I read the first 2 pages and I love it. It think it's hilarious when the narrator talks about "selling arms". The formatting, without me nitpicking, is technically the way a screenplay is supposed to look. I will d/l this and read the entire thing when I have the chance. It's summer and these months are when I have the least free time.
Thanks for the feedback! I've been doing a lot of reading about screenwriting, and with Celtx I've been able to get really good at it.
Moving this post elsewhere in the forum.
Last edited by HoldingOurOwn (September 25, 2014 (06:20am))
We Have But One Choice
by
tenny1028
INT. RIVENDEL COUNCIL ROOM -- DAY
Several people are having a meeting in this room. They call
it the Council of Elrond, and they are discussing what to do
with the One Ring. These several people include ARAGORN,
GANDALF, ELROND, and so on.
ELROND
We have but one choice. We must go
into Mordor and cast the ring into
the fires of Mount Doom from whence
it came.
ENTER ARAGORN (OLDER). He is an elderly man with long white
hair and a long gray beard walks in. He has a staff.
ARAGORN (OLDER)
No, no, no... There is yet another
option.
ELROND
What? Who are you, and why have you
entered without invitation... this
was supposed to be a private
meeting.
ARAGORN (OLDER)
I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and
king of Gondor.
ARAGORN
Wrong. I’m Aragorn, son of
Arathorn, and king of Gondor.
ARAGORN (OLDER)
True, but I’m that guy also.
ARAGORN
No, you’re not, and you wouldn’t
make a good impostor either.
Aragorn is not old, feeble and
helpless, but strong, heroic, and
independent!
ARAGORN (OLDER)
Did you just call me old?
ARAGORN
Uh, yeah...
ARAGORN (OLDER)
Well son, I would really prefer the
word "experienced!" I am Aragorn,
son of Arathorn, and king of
Gondor. Without a doubt, you will
not believe it until I show you
this new iPhone app I developed,
called "The Gondor Times."
Aragorn (older) pulls and iPhone out of his back pocket, and
holds it up.
ARAGORN
That sounds like a newspaper name.
ARAGORN (OLDER)
It’s not, I can assure you that.
"The Gondor Times" is an app
designed for time travel. The main
goal of the app is to bring about
history lessons by taking the user
back in time and watching events
take place. The only problem is
that you can interfere with people
and objects, which could change
history forever.
ARAGORN
I can see that. So you are what I
will be like in forty to fifty
years from now?
ARAGORN (OLDER)
Correct.
ARAGORN
Do you know what will happen to me
in two years from now?
ARAGORN (OLDER)
Yes. From the way I see things, you
will be dead by then if you don’t
stop talking to me and start
getting rid of the ring.
ARAGORN
That’s encouraging.
ARAGORN (OLDER)
Indeed, it is.
ARAGORN
Actually it is not. I was being
sarcastic.
ARAGORN (OLDER)
Oh.
ELROND
What’s this "other option" you were
going to talk about?
ARAGORN (OLDER)
Here’s my proposition: You can use
the eagles!
GANDALF
Enough with the Eagles! I have had
enough of them for too long.
ARAGORN (OLDER)
But they solve every problem!
GANDALF
No they don’t. Do you know how much
insurance is for using them?
ARAGORN (OLDER)
Uh...
GANDALF
Too much, I tell you. Too much.
ARAGORN (OLDER)
Uh... I’m not sure why that’s
relevant.
GANDALF
You don’t even know what insurance
is, do you?
ARAGORN (OLDER)
No, I don’t...
GANDALF
Good. Now take your iFan--
ARAGORN (OLDER)
iPhone.
GANDALF
Same thing. Just take it and and
get out of here.
ARAGORN (OLDER)
Okay. Since you don’t like my
advice, you will all be on your
own. I'm leaving this lost
cause.
Aragorn (older) leaves.
ELROND
Gandalf, you do know that the elves
have a lot of money and can pay for
anything, right? You just have to
pay us back with a 20 percent
interest over a five year plan.
GANDALF
Oh.Pretty funny! Only thing is that I'd suggest a new name for the time machine.
Which machine? The name of the app or the actual iPhone.
Which machine? The name of the app or the actual iPhone.
I think the name is fine! It's odd, and kind of funny.
The beginning, I think, could use a shot to establish the location, maybe a cam pan shot of the outside of the meeting place. Also, I'd add a narrator voice-over to explain the meeting.
And the last line, "Oh." seems out of place, unless it's explained later (is this an excerpt, or an episode, or what?).
I'd make it, "Really?"
Other than that, this looks like it's going to be interesting... in an entertaining way. 
I've been reading a lot of weird Twilight Zone-esque comics lately and started writing a script, this is the first two pages, I haven't finished it but I have a few ideas I'm working out for the rest, I'm not sure if the opening is engaging enough for a short, any thoughts?
Buried Treasure
(draft 1)
EXT. BACKYARD OF SUBURBAN HOUSE
Dad is digging holes near the house, posts are laid out by
the holes that have already been finished and bags of cement
and a wheel barrow are near by
from a tree house in the back the kid watches her dad as she
plays being a pirate. The tree house is a square with a
ships steering wheel on one railing and a mast in the center
with a cloth sail.
KID
(In kids pirate voice)
Arr... the fierce pirate Anne Bonny
approaches the unsuspecting harbor
the kid looks through a spy glass at her dad, who turns and
sees her.
DAD
Why don’t you come over here and
help me hold these posts ya
scurvy dog.
KID
(sighs)
coming...
the kid takes off her pirate hat and runs down. At the holes
she holds a post as her dad brings a wheel barrow over to
pour in some cement.
DAD
You know not all of the loot of the
dread pirate James Ford is
accounted for, they say it’s still
buried somewhere around these
parts.
INT. INSIDE THE KIDS ROOM
It is night, the kid is in bed reading comics by flashlight,
the room is decorated with posters of pirates and monsters.
DAD (O.S.)
I said lights out!
KID
(grumbling to herself)
She clicks off the flashlight and turns over. We here a
noise from outside, the kid sits up and looks out her
window.
EXT. BACKYARD OF SUBURBAN HOUSE
it’s night, one of the holes for the fence posts was never
filled in. You can hear the sound of a shovel moving dirt.
The head of a pirate pops out of the hole and looks around.
PIRATE 2 (O.S.)
(muffled from under the pirate
on screen)
Ugg, get off me you brute.
PIRATE 1
Hmm?
Pirate 1 pops out of the hole and flies face first into a
pile of dirt.
PIRATE 1
-Screams-
His legs are sticking strait into the air. Pirate 2’s head
pops out of the hole and she looks around and then jumps
out. She walks over to Pirate 1 and pulls him out of the
dirt.
PIRATE 2
You clumsy oaf. That’s the last of
it.
Both pirates walk off into the night
INT. INSIDE THE KIDS ROOM
The kid watches as the pirates leave. She jumps out of bed
and pulls a chest from under it out, after sorting through a
few things she pulls out a knife and puts it into her
pocket.
She climbs back on her bed and gets on the ledge of the
window, after a brief moment she hops into the night.
EXT. BACKYARD OF SUBURBAN HOUSE
The kid jumps out her window and sneaks over to the hole the
pirates just came from. She looks in the hole put in looks
normal.
After walking around it she jumps down, when she lands at
the bottom the floor gives way and she starts to falls into
blackness.I want to point out several capitalization errors, where beginning sentences of some action paragraphs aren't capitalized in the right way.
I can't really tell what the main problem of the film is, otherwise I might be able to say weather or not the intro is engaging enough.
It seems a bit vague to me so far.
Also, I'd add a narrator voice-over to explain the meeting.
Well it's at Rivendell, clearly Elrond is speaking, the audience should be able to recognize that I took the line from the Fellowship of the Ring, right? You might not be able to recognize it just by reading a script, but add in acting and video it should be pretty recognizable.
I made this for The Screenplay Challenge.
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