Bricks in Motion
We are a friendly filmmaking community devoted to the art of stop-motion animation using LEGO® and similar construction toys. Here, you can share your work, join our community of other brickfilmers, and participate in periodic animation contests!
A place to discuss, share, and create stop motion films.
Ad
You are not logged in. Please login or register.
This thread might get more attention if you remove the 3 feedback posts rule. That way, people that want to share can share, and there's likely to be feedback more constructive than the feedback that has already been posted.
Sure, some stories might get ignored, but at least the people that do get feedback will get more than "great story."
This thread might get more attention if you remove the 3 feedback posts rule. That way, people that want to share can share, and there's likely to be feedback more constructive than the feedback that has already been posted.
Sure, some stories might get ignored, but at least the people that do get feedback will get more than "great story."
*Cool story, bro.
I uploaded a short story I recently wrote to bibliofaction:
http://www.bibliofaction.com/read/ViewS … d7e641db36
Booyah! A Sci-fi Poem I wrote at school!
Ode to a Flying Saucer
It came out of the sky
Like a bowl full of pie,
Swirling in all directions.
To us it announced,
“You shall now be trounced.”
At this we replied, “Objection!”
We took out our guns,
And fired at once.
The aliens saw no connection.
They ignored our yells,
And dodged our shells,
And finally said with inflection:
“We’re tired of this game,
It’s always the same.
Now, prepare for dissection.”
As we gave up our fight,
They responded with spite.
“We’re sorry. It’s Natural Selection.”
I really like it, Topit. It has some pretty funny points, and the overall structure is good. Very nice.
I wrote this story yesterday, and I'm not sure if I like it or not. It feels like I'm falling back into a funk with regards to pacing, and I think that might make it weaker than it should be... which is an issue, since I'm not an extremely strong writer to begin with. I think I still like the idea, but next time I'll try something less straightforward and make more of an attempt to fix the unbalance I keep fighting.
Good story, though the narrator's voice sounds a bit inauthentic at times. For example, the phrase "buck of a deer" doesn't really makes sense, and a country boy wouldn't be intimidated by a deer or call it "fierce," because they are extremely docile animals.
I liked some of the disorienting aspects of the narration. To me, the narrator comes across as gay; not sure if that was intended.
Last edited by Dirk Diggler (April 14, 2011 (03:35pm))
Thanks for the feedback.
Re. The deer bit: during mating season bucks will charge people if intimidated. It's not incredibly common, but it does happen on occasion and isn't too fun when it does (even more irritating is when they charge parked cars). You are right though, I agree that I overdid the narration there. I think buck of a deer does make sense, in a 'there is a deer and it is a buck', but you're probably correct in saying that it doesn't sound very authentic. Really just a bit of laziness on my part, I suppose. I should have looked for a less intrusive way to get the meaning across. I appreciate that you took the time to go over the story. It's nice to see someone reads my stuff.
Posts [ 21 to 27 of 27 ]
