Here's a pice of what I wrote.  Offer me feedback:

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EXT. ATARI HEADQUARTERS – DAY

A COMPACT CAR pulls up and parks in a parking lot space.  The car door opens and PHIL steps out, dressed in a suit and tie.  He reaches behind the seat and grabs a BRIEFCASE by the handle, shuts the door, walks to the entrance of the building and knocks on the FRONT DOOR.  ROB FULOP answers, in his bare feet, TORN JEANS and a TYE DYE SHIRT.

ROB FULOP
Yo!  What's happening, man?

Phil is taken aback for a moment, then regains his composure.

PHIL
Uh, yes... my name is Phil Eisenberg and, well, I'd like to speak to your supervisor.

ROB FULOP
I dig that.  C'mon in.

Rob Fulop opens the door invitingly, and Phil steps in.

INT. ATARI HQ – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Rob Fu lop shuts the door.

CLOSE ON Phil's face.  He looks around. 

WIDE SHOT of the office.  Everyone is either hard at work or playing around, eating, throwing paper airplanes, and the like.  Those at work are undistracted by the others.

CLOSE ON Phil's face.  He looks distressed.

PHIL
Uh, are you sure this is a business establishment and not a brouhaha?

ROB FULOP
Yeah, this is a company.  I'll take you to Nolan.  He's in charge.

Rob leads Phil through the maze-like hallway.  As they turn a corner,  there are three or four LEMONS on the near side of the floor.  Another LEMON rolls under Phil's foot.  He steps on it and trips, nearly falling to he ground, but regaining his balance after much effort.   The lemon is propelled forward and strikes one of the others with enough force to send it off on its own velocity.

CUT TO

Other end of hallway.  TOD FRYE and STEVE MEYER are at that side.

TOD FRYE
Hey, man!  You ruined my perfect shot!

STEVE MEYER
Chill out, man!  You were embarrassing yourself.  This guy did you a favor.

ROB FULOP
Like, you okay?

PHIL
(to Tod Frye) What are you doing?  You can hurt a guy that way!

TOD FRYE
Sorry, man.  We weren't expecting anyone, and the rest of the gang knows we use this hall for bocci.

Rob Fulop continues to lead Phil down the hall to

INT. NOLAN BUSHNELL'S OFFICE – DAY

The DOOR to Nolan Bushnell's office is open.  ROB FULOP leans in, with PHIL behind him.  NOLAN BUSHNES is seated at his DESK, assembling a CIRCUIT BOARD.  The desk is cluttered with papers.  There are OTHER CHAIRS in front of the desk in his cluttered office.

ROB FULOP
Hey.  There's this guy that wants to see you.

NOLAN BUSHNELL
Well, let him in.

Phil enters.

PHIL
Good, morning, sir.  My name is Phil Eisenberg, and I wanted to discuss an important matter with you.

NOLAN BUSHNELL
I'm Nolan.  Nolan Bushnell.  Please take a seat.

Phil sits at the nearest chair.

ROB FULOP
I'm getting' back to work, man.

Rob goes off on his way.

NOLAN BUSHNELL
Now, tell me what's so important?

PHIL
What's important is your piece of mind and your employee's peace of  mind.  If, God forbid, you have a medical emergency, how will you afford the medical bills?  That's where I can help.

NOLAN BUSHNELL
How's that?

PHIL
I'm a certified health insurance agent.  After asking you and your staff a few easy questions, I can find each of your your perfect health insurance policy.  And it's not just for emergencies.  It covers all doctor visits, and includes a comprehensive dental, vision and specialist plan.  Now, don't yor employees deserve...

Phil's pitch is interrupted as ROB ZDYBEL passes through the hallway and stops by the DOOR.  He's smoking a CIGARETTE and wearing only a PAIR OF BOXING SHORTS.

ROB ZDYBEL
Hey, that foxy oriental girl we just hired's asking what she's supposed to do.

Phil reacts.  Nolan Bushnell reaches for a XEROXED BOOKLET and hands it to Rob Zdybel.

NOLAN BUSHNELL
Her name's Suki.  Give her this programming booklet and tell her to come up with a new game in six months.  If she has any questions, advise her to ask anyone for assistance.

ROB ZDYBEL
(accepting the packet.)  Cool!

Rob Zdydel leaves.  Phil gets up from the chair and makes his way out.

PHIL
This... this is such a haphazard place.  I thought this was a business, but it's a frat house.  I'm sorry to bother you.

NOLAN BUSHNELL
Mr. Eisenberg.

PHIL
(Turning to face Nolan Bushnell.)  Yes?

NOLAN BUSHNELL
You came here to sell me something, got me interested, and now just leave?

PHIL
None of you look serious.

NOLAN BUSHNELL
Look: My team may be a gang of misfits, but they do things no one else can.  They engineer technologies to make TV games that react to people.  And to create something so complex puts tremendous stress upon them.  Why shouldn't they be allowed to be themselves while they're here?  And they deserve the best for their hard work, so, please, tell me about this insurance.

Cautiously, Phil returns to the seat.  He places his BRIEFCASE on the desk, atop some papers, and opens it up, while reaching in to take out some PAPERWORK.

PHIL
Y-yes.  Well, sir, we offer individual health plans as... unique... as your employees.

An interesting concept. I can see this working . You don't see many historical drama brickfilms like this, and I think it would be really interesting to see how the final project would look like.

Not much to critique, really. It's an overall well put together script. The only issue I found was that I'm not sure I hugely like how the Rob character is written. Your overselling that 'hipster' character to an extreme that doesn't feel very realistic.

That's my 2 cents. Other than that, I don't think I found a single problem with the script.

I like it alot! mixing stop motion and history is a great idea. most people don't think or even care about the history of video games, but this is certainly very interesting. I like how it takes place with a very casual situation with a man just wanting to sell health insurance. very cool and I hope someone brings it to life in LEGO

Preparing an outline.  I may divide it into 9 "chapters", each chapter is a complete episode.  Here are tentative names for each episode:

1) Ampex
2) Syzygy
3) Pong
4) Halycon
5) Jobs
6) Stella
7) Warner
8) Warshaw
9) Crash

I am still writing.  I'm trying to outline chapters 1 and 2 (Ampex & Syzygy) now.  A few updates: I just sent an email to Nolan Bushnell's daughter (Nolan is the founder and main part of the story through chapter 7), to try to get more of the human side of the story, and I found some leads: Al Alcorn interview with details of his work at AMPEX (the company that invented the VCR), where he and Bushnell met, and I learned that Atari's first hire after Pong's success was Bushnell's babysitter, who would be in episodes 3 and 4, but also earlier as she would be present watching Bushnell's girls.

I have no idea where the script will wind up, or who will animate once it's complete, but I'd love to see this realized one day.

EDIT:
By the way, the insurance scene is based on a true event.  Some of this draft needs to be changed.  Bushnell wasn't in charge when most of the 2600 programmers were employed there.  But it's really hard finding the names and bios of earlier employees.

Last edited by HoldingOurOwn (May 5, 2017 (06:13am))

I like it. The dialogue is humorous, but also feels genuine. I especially like Cynthia's observation at the end, which was clearly Nolan testing her phone calling skills. I really like it!