• Location: Western United States
  • Joined: April 22, 2015

Topic: Script reading Of Comedy?

So I have this script for a film I want to try.  My main goal is to try and get some humor through dialogue while telling a story.  I want to make a series out of this idea of a group of people working together in the office with diffrent jobs.  Before I really start making the opening or whatever I need your opinion on the script for the pilot.  I want to involve the community and make it something we can all enjoy.  This will have clean humor and language.  So enjoy below as tou read: Ninja Cat Studios Pilot by Ninja Cat and Pancake.

(And grammer is not perfect!  Where still finding tiny mistakes!  For more info on most of the characters go to the casting call in the audio forum.)
                                  - - - - - - -

                    Pilot
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Open with Brian's home with the phone ringing


Sarah: Brain! Could you get that get?

        Brian walks from one side of the room and picks up the phone.

Brian: Hello? Oh hey Jason,is my computer fixed?---its not fixed?----
its on fire? Ill-ill be right in.

        Walks over to the kitchen

Sarah: Hey Brian! Who was on the phone?

Brain: Oh, it was Jason. He was just telling me my computer was on fire. Hopefully the
hard drive still works.

Sarah: Im sure its fine. Jake! Matt!

Brian: They're going to be late to school if they don't hurry.

        Jake and Matt run into the room grab their stuff and leave in
        a hurry.

Matt: Hey mom!

Jake:  We're just running a bit late. See ya, bye!

Matt: Come on Jake!
                Brian sits there.
Brian: Well at least they know you.


                Jake runs  back and grabs backpack

Jake: Hi Dad! And good morning!

                Jake leaves

Brian: Well.. ill need to go to the office. Ill be back around four.

Sarah: On your way to work, could you take the cat into the V-E-T? He needs his shots
for the day

Brian: Sure! Ill take him to the vet

Sarah: Don't say that! He'll hear you!

            Cat running in the background into the room

Brain: Sarah, the cat is a stupid animal, its not smart enough to know the word vet.

            Cat runs out of the room

            Pause


Brain: I guess he is smart.


                OPENING   

                Camera opens with the front secretaries desk
                and Brain coming out of the elevator.

Brian: Hey Rachel, do I any messages?

Rachel: Hey Brian! And yes, your boss called and said that he wants you to cover the press
conference for the closing of several local shops today.

Brian: Thanks Rachel!  And can you get me some water?

Rachel:  Sure thing Brian.

                Jason walks in

Jason: Brian! Glad I caught you!

Brian: Jason! How's my computer?

Jason:  Well the fire started when some new hardware burst into flames.

Brian: Oh, what am I supposed to write my articles on?

Jason: Well I was thinking about it and ifound an old, clunky Windows 98 computer!

Pulls up box behind him.

Brian: Jason...Windows 98 isn't the best software to have. It's like a dinosaur in this age.
The dinosaurs are dead.

Jason: Well its either that or a stone tablet

Rachel hands Brian the water.  The windows 98 computer catches on fire.

                    Jason looks at clock

Jason: Well I better go fix some other computers. See ya.
Brian Takes his cup of water and dumps it on the computer.

Brian: Stupid Windows 98.

                Scene fades


                Scene opens with Brian in his office. Brian is working
                till he gets a phone call.

                Phone rings

Brain: Oh hey Dr.Jim! Hows my cat?

-------------
Brain:What do you mean he escaped
---------
Brian:Took out your security and started a rebellion?. He's also taking people hostage?
Dr. Jim? Dr.Ji m?

                Hangs up

                Scott comes in

Scott: Brian! Ready to go?

Brian: Scott! We have that conference. We better get moving

Scott: So hows everything?

Brian:Well, my family fine, but my cat has taken the vet hostage.

Scott: Is this normal.

Brian: Sometimes. I noticed he started reading books on self-defense moves and rebellion.
should probably take those away.

                    Walks out of office

Sid: Hey, I heard your cat was rebelling. Need help? I got some training techniques. Im
used to these situations.

Brian: Hostage situations?

Sid:No, specifically Cat hostage situations. Its more common than you think.

Brian:Um... I think I'm good. I like my cat the way it is.

Sid:If you ever need me, just call.

Tries to spin his rifle out is drops and goes off.

Brian: Rachel...

Rachel: Calling Tim now.

Scott: Lets get out of here Brian.

Brian:*Antsy* Lets go.

                Scenes fades

                Scene shows Brian walking in the door of his
                apartment.

Sarah: Brian! Your home!

                Brian puts his stuff down and walks to the couch

Sarah: Brian,whats wrong

Brian: Sarah, I just had to interview store owners about losing their local businesses
They are losing all their lives work over one lousy skyscraper.

Sarah: Thats terrible!

Brian:I know! I have feeling that I need to help, but I cant do anything.

Sarah: Brian, your a journalist, right?

Brian:A journalist? Sarah, I've been married to you for over eleven years and your just finding
this out?

Sarah: Well, why don't you use your paper to get the community involved to help stop it

Brian: Sarah,you are genius...

    Knock on the door

Brian: Come in

            Jake comes in

Sarah: Hi, Jake just please go to your room. Me and your father are having a
private conversation.

Jake:Ughh again?!

Brian: Yes so go to your room and play with your electronic doo dad.

Jake: Its called a PSP!

Brian: Well go to your room and with your P-P or whatever it is

            Jake "leaves"

Brian: So next thing tomorrow I will do that.

Jake: Do what?!

Brian: NOTHING!  Wait!  Wheres Matt and the cat?

Jake: I forgot! 

Jake runs out of the house. 

Brian:  Well I need to head to the office to write up that article.

Sarah: Ok Brian.  I'll see you later tonight.

Scene fades

Brian walks out elevator to find Tim sweeping the floor.

Brian:  Hey Tim.

Tim: Hey Brian!  How's my favorite journalist!

Brian: I'm you favorite journalist?

Tim: No.  Not really.  Your in my top ten though.

Brian: Which, which number was I?

Tim: Ten.

Brian:  Oh.  Well anyway I need to write an article up.  See you later.

Brian goes into his office and starts typing.  Tim then makes a lot of noise.  Brian then gets annoyed.

Brian:  Tim, do you have to be cleaning with that loud music?

Tim: Wait, is that annoying you?

Brian: Yes Tim.  I need to type this article up tonight.  Can you go clean another office?

Tim:  Sure.  I'll just clean and play my music in another room.

Tim leaves.  Brian then starts typing till music starts up in another room.

Scene switches to Brian's home.  Brian walks in and hangs his stuff up.  Sarah walks out and greets him. 

Sarah:  Hey Brian!  Your home late.  What took you so long?

Brian:  Sarah, I never hated Tim's selection of music my entire life, but I finished the article and I can't wait to go to bed.  How's everything?

Sarah: Jake and Matt are home, and the cat crisis is solved.

Brian:  Good, I'll go in tomorrow morning to the protests and see if I can help out.  Lets go to bed.

Turns to leave then stops when Sarah speaks.

Sarah: Don't forget to bring the cat in!

Brian opens the door.  The cat runs in.  While Brian is locking the door the cat shuts his bedroom door. 

Brian: Stupid cat.

Scene switches to Brian's front office.  Most of the office workers are out front waiting for Brian.


Brian: Hey guys, whats going on?

Scott: We heard that your going down to the protest.  We know you feel strongly about this situation, so were going to go down to help.

Alex: Got that right.  I'm not going to let those business men tear down those buildings.

Jason: Yup!  I need a break from the computers.

All look at Thatch.

Thatch: I guess I could go.  What about my patient?  I can't leave him.


Elevator door opens to revel Thatch's patient. 

John: Hey Dr. Thatch.  What's going on?

Thatch: John, Something just came up and. . .

John: You hate me.  Don't worry I understand.

Jones: No one hates you John.  We just need to solve a crisis.

John: Its not that cat crisis is it?

Brian:  No.  Lets just leave guys.

All turn to leave and leave John alone.  John turns and sees the ninja.

John: Just you and me. 

John looks away while talking and turns back.

John: Do you have any water? He's gone.  I knew that ninja hated me.  They all think I'm crazy seeing ninjas.  All well.  Goes to stair well door.  Behind the door is the ninja.  Scene fades.

The group arrives at near the building site

Brian:  Where too late!  I thought they would tear it
Thatch: I guess they tore them down early.

Brian: *sarcastically* Thanks, like I didn't know that.

Thatch: Well I thought it would help.

Scott: It helped me

Everyone except Scott: Nobody cares Scott.

Scott: My mom cares.

Brian: Look! They're some one there!


                    Someone kneeled down breaking down in tears

Brian: Hey whats wr-

Thatch:*Sounding "cool"* Step aside rookie
                        Nudges Brian away

Thatch: *wispering* I got this!

Thatch: *awkwardly*Heyy... whats wrong bud. Im sorry for your..you know..the... yeah..

                *Brian facepalm

Man in tears: My store! *sniffle* 80 years it was there. Now the stupid paper company took it down! *Sobs*

Brian: Its alright bud! You know, we could use some workers in our facility.

Scott: We do?

                *Brian hits Scott*

Brian: *speaking with its teeth together* We do...

Scott: Yes! Ohh I almost forgot!

Brian: Here, We'll bring you to the place.

Man in tears: *sniffle* that would be nice.

Brian: I'm sure I can find you a job.

Scene Switches to Brian's House.

Brian walks in.

Sarah comes out to greet him.

Sarah:  Shh.  The kids are asleep.

Brian: Hey honey.

Sarah: I'm sorry Brian.  I heard about the buildings being torn down.

Both walk over to the couch.

Brian: I really felt like I did some good today though.  Even though I didn't save the buildings, I gave someone a job at the office.

Sarah: Thats great dear!  What job did you give him?

Brian: Right now he's helping Tim clean the office.  Till then he helps us here or there.                   
Sarah: Wonderful.  Brian I am proud of you.

Looks at the clock.  We better head to bed.

Brian: Ok dear.

Starts walking then pauses.

Brian: Here, let me grab those books from the cat.

Brian opens the closet door.  The cat hisses and growls till Brian closes the door. 

Brian: I think we'll leave the cat alone for the night.

Sarah: Good choice dear.

Both walk out of the room and scene fades.

                    THE END

Last edited by Ninja Cat Studios (June 16, 2015 (07:35am))

Enjoy simple Brick film animations that are clean and somewhat humorless on my Youtube channel.  If you want to contact me please email me any questions you have that are related to brick films.  my email is [email protected].  Also, please subscribe to my channel for fun videos!  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChaHz_ … xT0vyuYRiw

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  • Joined: March 22, 2012

Re: Script reading Of Comedy?

I saved the page and will read it offline!  then I'll return to you

https://vimeo.com/channels/holdingourown      http://holding-our-own.tumblr.com

"None practice tolerance less frequently than those who most loudly preach it."

HoldingOurOwn's Website

  • Location: New Jersey
  • Joined: March 22, 2012

Re: Script reading Of Comedy?

Ninja Cat!!!

I read the script.  I really enjoyed it.  First of all, a family-friendly domestic comedy is something really lacking in the world these days.  The only ones I know that are worth watching are "The Middle", "The Goldbergs" and, though it's less family-friendly, "Fresh Off The Boat".  Secondly, this script is VERY VERY FUNNY. 

Right from the beginning, where Brian barely reacts to a computer being on fire, I thought that was HYSTERICAL!  It would have been funny enough for his computer to be on fire, and he becomes alarmed, but he just says, almost as an afterthought, "I hope the hard drive is all right."  That type of delivery alone meant that you really have potential for great comedy!  I like the PSP joke and other funny situations, like the "smart" cat... and blaming the second computer fire on Windows 98!

One important thing: you are writing a brickfilm script of considerable length, with more than just a few characters.  For the benefit of all the voice actors (and yourself), you should learn the proper screenplay format.  A feew things to start you off:

1) Whenever a person speaks, his/her name gets a line of its own, and is capitalized.  This makes it easy for the voice actors to find their lines.

2) Before each scene, Introduce each secne in this way:

INT. or EXT. [LOCATION OF SCENE] - DAY or NIGHT (or DAWN or DUSK)

This line is in ALL CAPS.  After this introduction, skip a line and describe the scene, as if you're script is an old text adventure game and the player just entered the room.  Mention all of the props present, that will be used in the scene, at the beginning of the scene.

3) The first time a prop or character enters a scene (or is there at the beginning), it is CAPITALIZED.  This makes it easy to know what props/furniture is required to make the scene work.  This is only needed once per scene.

4) When you introcuce a character for first time in the script, describe VERY BRIEFLY who s/he is, to aid the reader.  At first, I thought Brian was Sarah's son  (I didn't see your character descriptions in the AUDIO threads.)  Be clear to explain EVERYTHING that's seen that is crucial to telling the story.  For instance, notice that I introduced the CLOCK at the beginning of the office elevator scene becasue JASON looks at it before the scene ends.  You may take this for granted because you know what you plan to film, but this is important to make a screnplay coherent.

I took your script and rewrote the first two scenes in the screenplay format.  I didn't change a word of dialogue or change the story in any way, but did add some text in the narration for clarity.  If you compare this to the draft you posted, you can see how to adapt the changes for the rest of your story, and future stories.  Note that I wrote this in Open Office format, and when I posted this in plain text, it changed formatting.  In an actual screenplay, the name of the character speaking a line is centered, and the character's lines are left-justified but in the center of the page, with 35 characters per line.

The writing is very good and I can't wait to see this as a brickfilm!  Though I would have loved to see a line where Brian, when he meets Jason, asks if the fire was caused by the CD burner.

------

PILOT

SCREENPLAY BY
NINJA CAT STUDIOS



INT. BRIAN'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

The father, BRIAN is seated on a COUCH.  There is a DOORWAY to the KITCHEN.  A PHONE is on a COFFEE TABLE beside the couch.  The phone rings.

SARAH (o.s.)
Brain! Could you get that get?

Brian walks from one side of the room and picks up the phone.

BRIAN
Hello? Oh hey Jason,is my computer fixed?...  Its not fixed?  ...its on fire?  I'll, I'll be right in.

Brian walks over to the kitchen.

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

Brian's wife, SARAH, is standing at the KITCHEN TABLE, preparing several LUNCH BAGS.  Enter BRIAN, who takes a seat at the kitchen table.  Besides the lunch bags,

there are other SCHOOL STUFF, like book bags, on the table.

SARAH
Hey Brian!  Who was on the phone?

BRIAN
Oh, it was Jason.  He was just telling me my computer was on fire.  Hopefully the hard drive still works.

SARAH
I'm sure its fine.  (calling out the doorway)  Jake!  Matt!


BRIAN
They're going to be late to school if they don't hurry.

Sarah's children, JAKE and MATT, run into the room grab their stuff.

MATT
Hey, mom!

JAKE
We're just running a bit late.  See ya.  bye!

MATT
Come on Jake!

Matt and Jake run out through the kitchen doorway in a hurry.  Brian sits there.

BRIAN
Well at least they know you.

Jake runs back and grabs his backpack.

JAKE
Hi Dad!  And good morning!

Jake leaves.

BRIAN
Well, I'll need to go to the office.  Ill be back around four.

SARAH
On your way to work, could you take the cat into the V-E-T?  He needs his shots for the day.

BRIAN
Sure! I'll take him to the vet.

SARAH
Don't say that!  He'll hear you!

The FAMILY CAT runs into the room and sits somewhere in ther background.

BRIAN
Sarah, the cat is a stupid animal; its not smart enough to know the word "vet".

Cat runs out of the room.

BRIAN
(pause.)  I guess he IS smart.

INT. OFFICE LOBBY - DAY

Camera opens with the FRONT SECRETARY'S DESK, manned by RACHEL.  It is before an ELEVATOR.  There is a CLOCK on the wall.  The elevator doors open.  BRIAN steps out.

BRIAN
Hey Rachel, do have I any messages?

RACHEL
Hey Brian! And yes, your boss called and said that he wants you to cover the press conference for the closing of several local shops today.

BRIAN
Thanks, Rachel!  ...And can you get me some water?

RACHEL
Sure thing, Brian.

Rachel gets up and exits through a hallway.  Jason walks in, crossing her path.

JASON
Brian! Glad I caught you!

BRIAN
Jason! How's my computer?

JASON
Well the fire started when some new hardware burst into flames.

BRIAN
Oh, what am I supposed to write my articles on?

JASON
Well, I was thinking about it, and I an old, clunky Windows 98 computer!

Jason pulls up a box behind him.

BRIAN
Jason, Windows 98 isn't the best software to have.  It's like a dinosaur in this age.  The dinosaurs are dead.

JASON
Well its either that or a stone tablet.

Rachel hands Brian the water.

The windows 98 computer catches on fire.  Jason looks at clock.

JASON
Well, I better go fix some other computers.  See ya.

Brian Takes his cup of water and dumps it on the computer.

BRIAN
Stupid Windows 98.

FADE TO BLACK

INT. BRIAN'S OFFICE - DAY

Last edited by HoldingOurOwn (June 18, 2015 (06:21am))

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"None practice tolerance less frequently than those who most loudly preach it."

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  • Location: Western United States
  • Joined: April 22, 2015

Re: Script reading Of Comedy?

Thanks!  I'll do that from now on.  I'm actually new to the casting call thing.  I usually jsut used voices around my town.  I'll take you advice and do it for the next few episodes.

Enjoy simple Brick film animations that are clean and somewhat humorless on my Youtube channel.  If you want to contact me please email me any questions you have that are related to brick films.  my email is [email protected].  Also, please subscribe to my channel for fun videos!  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChaHz_ … xT0vyuYRiw

Ninja Cat Studios's Website

  • Location: United Kingdom
  • Joined: December 10, 2010

Re: Script reading Of Comedy?

To make formatting screenplays in the 'proper' way easy I'd recommend using a program such as the free Trelby or Celtx (although I'm not sure if Celtx is still free)

Boats Animator
Free stop motion software with 1080p support!
YouTube • Brickfilms Wiki • Boats Animator

BoatsAreRockable's Website

  • Location: New Jersey
  • Joined: March 22, 2012

Re: Script reading Of Comedy?

I tried CeltX.  It is still free, I believe.  It pulls out and sorts things you need to get your screenplay into a film like props, scenes, actors per scene, etc.  But it actually doesn't correctly format everything.  For instance, character names are not actually centered.  A few other things about it annoy me and I don't like using it, but I did need to use it as the script for Mariana was being revised for TogFox's production.

I will try Trelby to see how that is.  Never heard of it before.  But don't underestimate the ease of a basic word processor.  Open Office is my WP of choice, and it's free and open-source.  It allows you to create your own text formatting.  I created three: SCREENPLAY: Narration, SCREENPLAY: Dialogue and SCREENPLAY: Character name.  I simply keep the formatting window open while writing a screenplay, and "click" the one of the three I need for the line of text I'm typing.

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"None practice tolerance less frequently than those who most loudly preach it."

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