I didn't get any feedback in the critique thread, which doesn't seem to be very active, so I'm moving the post here.  I hope it's not a breach of etiquette.

While I was sleeping, I had a script idea about jet fighter combat.  The whole story will be about 8 to 10 minutes of animation, with a short live action sequence at the end.  I wrote out the first battle scene and would like to post it here.  Please reply with your comments and opinions.

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CHECK SIX!

WRITTEN BY

MICHAEL CHARLES TOURETTE

FADE IN

EXT. OPEN SKIES – DAY

There is a haze below.

OPENING CREDITS

CAPTION: Korean Airspace, November 1950

Enter THREE RF-80A FIGHTER JETS via the left, flying side by side in unison.  The Fighter jet in the middle, ALPHA ONE, has a slight lead.  ALPHA TWO and ALPHA THREE are to the left and right, respectively.

CLOSE ON ALPHA ONE Cockpit.  The fighter pilots are communicating to each other through a TRANSMITTER.

RAY FAIRBANKS
Commander Fairbanks to Shooting Stars 2 and 3: do you read me?

CUT TO
INT. COCKPIT OF ALPHA 2 – DAY

ALPHA TWO PILOT is seated in his jet, Alpha Two.

ALPHA TWO PILOT
Affirmative, Alpha One.

CUT TO
INT. COCKPIT OF ALPHA 3 – DAY

[Whenever A different pilot is speaking, scene cuts to the cockpit of that aircraft]

ALPHA THREE PILOT
Roger that.

RAY FAIRBANKS
Some Commie Migs have been spotted in the area and harassing the chicks.  We're to sweep the skies and take 'em down.  Shooting Star Three, you are the eyeball.

ALPHA THREE PILOT
Roger that, Alpha One.

CUT TO
A few quick cuts of Alphas 1, 2, and 3 in flight.

ALPHA THREE PILOT
I'm tracking some movement in the haze.  I'm changing altitude.

CUT TO Alpha 1, 2 and 3.  Alpha 3 dives low into the haze.

CUT TO the haze.  Four MIG M-15 FIGHTER JETS emerge from hiding.  They shoot their guns and one of them hits Alpha 3.  It sprials toward the Earth, its tail smoking.

ALPHA THREE PILOT
I'm hit!  Too low to punch out!  Watch for drag!

Alpha 3 crashes into a field below.

RAY FAIRBANKS
Circle around, Shooting Star 2.  It looks like we're outnumbered two to one.

CUT TO Alpha 1 and Alpha 2, circling clockwise.  The two jets are now behind the MiGs.

ALPHA TWO PILOT
I'm locked on.  Firing guns.

CUT TO Alpha 1 and Alpha 2, chasing MiGs.  Alpha 2 fires on the nearest MiG.  It is hit and loses control.  Alpha 1 fires on the next nearest MiG and it too, is struck down.

The MiGs begin to turn.

RAY FAIRBANKS
They've made a defensive turn.  Lag pursuit and hit him in the blind zone.

From out of the haze, two more MIG 15 FIGHTER JETS emerge.

ALPHA TWO PILOT
Two bogeys spotted, sir.  Don't know if they're friendly.

RAY FAIRBANKS
Stay focused on target.

Swiftly and with percision, the second set of MiG 15s shoots down Alpha 1 and Alpha 2.

RAY FAIRBANKS
I'm hit!  Losing control...

Alpha 1 crashes into the field below.

Last edited by HoldingOurOwn (September 25, 2014 (06:23am))