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Topic: Script Tune-up needed

I have written a script for a Lord of the Rings themed film, and Gollum has lines in it that I feel that he wouldn't naturally say. You see, I don't speak "Gollum" and I need somebody to take these lines and change them up to something Gollum would naturally say. If you can't do it, please advise me as to what I should change the subject title to so that it is relevant to this topic. I do not know if it would work. mini/smile Here are Gollum's lines:

GOLLUM: Oooooh... My precious... 
GOLLUM: My precious!!! It stole my precious!!! 
GOLLUM: It looks like this. 
GOLLUM: No!!! My precious. 
GOLLUM: Go get my precious, or feel the wrath of my sword!!!
GOLLUM: Come back here! We're not finished with it!

If you need further information about the content of the script, I will PM you so I keep the script unrevealed.

Last edited by jasper (January 16, 2013 (08:43pm))

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TwoGuysBrickfilms Youtube Channel
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Re: Script Tune-up needed

How about this:

GOLLUM: No! My preciouusssss! Bagginses sstoles our preciouss!! we hatess it forever!! Don't we my preciouss?
GOLLUM: Yessss!! First we catches the theifsss and wrings their neck!

Gollum is always talking and referring to himself as precious, so add lots of that.

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Blue Phoenix's Website

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Re: Script Tune-up needed

I think he's looking more for any modifications to the existing lines.
And I'm sorry for not responding earlier, I saw the thread, meant to send some suggestions, but never quite did it.


Line one is good, Line two could be changed to:
"My Precious! They/He/It stole it from us!"
Line three just doesn't sound anything like Gollum would say, could you PM me a little bit of the surrounding script for context? Line four is fine, but since he doesn't do much commanding, line five feels out of place. Could you send me some of the surrounding script on that part as well?

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Pritchard Studios's Website

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Re: Script Tune-up needed

Oh, I'm in the midst of working on a script for a LoTR brickfilm as well. I think, because of his bad grammar, Gollum's lines shouldn't read, "...think long and hard about it...". Instead, it should be, "...think long and “hawd” about it...". Just throwing that out there. But, I reallly don't think the fifth line belongs in there, because I don't think Gollum has a sword.

Have you seen a big-chinned boy?

Mickey's Website

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Re: Script Tune-up needed

Thank you all for answering this. For one thing, about what Mickey said, Gollum comes upon this small sword. A certain Elvish dagger, and, as Balin said in The Hobbit, that dagger was only used to open envelopes. There's is this bank robber, and Gollum wants the bank robber get "his precious." Plus I've already filmed the whole thing, and I'm just about record lines for it, but I needed to tweak the lines for it. Soon I will PM Pritchard Studios on the surrounding script. But I will tweak script based on the suggestions already given. Then I will post it here for some Peer Review.

Another thing I would like to point out. I added a sixth line that I forgot to put on there earlier, so if you could look at that, too, that would be great.

EDIT
I have rewritten the script, based on Pritchard Studios' suggestions. I will have to re-film some of the lines, but I think I can keep some of the footage. Here are Gollum's new lines:

                         GOLLUM
            Oooooh... My precious... We finds 
            another ones.

                         GOLLUM
            My precious, he stole it from us!

                         GOLLUM
            Silly Bagginses, it's a ring, 
                    (pulls out ring)
            like this!

                         GOLLUM
            No, my precious!

                         GOLLUM
            It's ours, my precious! And nobody
            elses!

                         GOLLUM
            It's ours!
                    (picks up a rock)
            We will throws some rockses at it!

                         GOLLUM
            Come back here! We're not finished
            with it yet!

If Pritchard Studios would like me too, then I will send the whole script.

Last edited by jasper (January 17, 2013 (03:33pm))

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TwoGuysBrickfilms Youtube Channel
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Re: Script Tune-up needed

Hmm, looks good. And, I hadn't known about the sword part. The second line sounds very familiar to the one in my script. Except, Gollum instead says "stoled it".

Have you seen a big-chinned boy?

Mickey's Website

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Re: Script Tune-up needed

Here's the finished project. I included Pritchard Studios in the Special Thanks at the end, because he helped me the most.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xwxroy … P4BAqGjdXA

Thanks everyone.

Last edited by jasper (January 21, 2013 (08:02pm))

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