Interesting script. I think you've got the good body of a story, but it needs further fleshing out. My thoughts:

I didn't like the use of Comcast and Verizon as companies mentioned. If we're going to suspend our disbelief to engage in a world of fanciful espionage and mind-control, real-life companies we all know and use are too pedestrian.

The argument between Brandon and Miles over the Hoover project seems artificial. We don't know what the project is and why Brandon would want to be on it. Also, if it's something that PhDs are trying to get on, Brandon thinking he was qualified seems delusional.

The awkward moment between Brandon and Ally was not set up well, unless the odd 'misunderstood conversation' a few lines prior was merely a placeholder. Also, why does he suddenly want her to watch him sleep? Is he suspicious that he's sleepwalking again? Why? Why does he tie the identity mystery to this?

Lohman's vindictiveness regarding catching Brandon seems very out-of-the-blue. Why is this such a big deal to him?

Brandon's revealing to Ally that he's not fully human seems very matter-of-fact and he seems to be quite gung-ho about the whole hardcore fugitive lifestyle. That being said, why does Brandon need to not be human? Wouldn't the pills have the same effect on him if was? The scene with Gloria really implies this.

I laughed at "Chase scene. Lots of explosions and awesomeness. Bla bla bla." That's the hardest part of writing for me as well.

Finally, looking at the story as a whole, I'm not sure if the first act lines up well with the rest of the script. I liked the scene; it was well-written and and I liked the image of a comatose Brandon sitting on the edge of a roof, but it's hard to accept a professional athlete going to work in a laboratory. His fame at the beginning grates with his normality/obscurity in the second half. It also seems unrealistic that he would have to quit the team because of it, when one could just lock his door. Taking experimental drugs to treat the problem seems a bit far-fetched to me, unless there’s more than just sleepwalking at stake.

Also, why do we never learn who made the mysterious phone call? And the subplot with Nancy seems to have been dropped.

All in all, I enjoyed reading your script. I look forward to seeing where it goes.

I'm not done reading it yet, but I can tell you this is toooo long. Maybe almost a script for a live action movie. Really good so far, but it's way too long for a brickfilm. Maybe you should shorten it? It's really good though, I like it, but you said it yourself, toooo long!

What do you mean the original post? I read what it at the top. If that's what you mean by "read the original post"

And raicho was aware that I was aware.

Back on topic, there's been 25 downloads and only three people have bothered to respond. Even if it's just "I got bored and stopped reading on page 3," give me something. Please.