Bricks in Motion
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http://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&p … WQ1ZDllNzg
my first screenplay script. reviews/suggestions/corrections appreciated
EDIT: new link with entire script
http://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&p … TNiOWNlM2M
Last edited by Brick Bros (January 14, 2010 (07:07pm))
I like it, could be a but hard to pull off but it looks cool.
nice it will be a very good film I hope
Speech marks are your friend. 
you mean these-> ""
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for using correct formatting. It's so much easier to read.
Camera directions don't usually go in the script because they're incredibly boring for the reader. Save them for storyboards. Pictures are better than words anyway.
One other formatting tip... parentheticals should be no longer than two lines and include no other information aside from how a line should be delivered (eg "cautiously," "winking," "are you sure about this?"). Action should be placed all the way on the left margin in between lines of dialogue, and not in parentheses.
I couldn't view the last two pages... was that all you uploaded, or am I doing something wrong?
Story wise, looked okay, but a bit cliche. Seemed like that's what you were going for, so perhaps it'll be fine. It's also going to be very important to get actors who can pull off the stereotypes you're featuring.
The only other thing I noticed was that you're a little too heavy on dialogue. A lot of lines can be shortened or removed altogether without affecting things too much, and especially with this kind of story, you want things to move as quickly as possible.
I have no idea why Brickyman is mentioned quotation marks. They shouldn't be in your script, and they're not. This is good. 
All in all, a promising script, but I'd definitely suggest tightening things up before you move on to a casting call. Good luck.
1. You're welcome. 
I used ScriptBuddy.com for character management and formatting.
2. The camera directions were something i just put down because I didn't want to lose the ideas.
3. Thanks, I was unsure what the parentheticals were actually for... this is literally my first ever screenplay
4. I edited the opening post with a fixed link, thanks for pointing that out, i wouldn't have noticed 
5. Yeah, the story is very much intended to have a "sarcastic Cliche" feel to it. Also, I agree that voice actors will be very hard to find to fill some of these roles
6. The dialogue definitely seems a bit clunky to me, I would enthusiastically welcome any specific suggestions, as I am used to writing poetry and short stories. (I am a screenplay n00b... among other things...)
7. I didn't think quotation marks were needed! Thanks for confirming this.
When you say "tighten things up" you mean fixing the above issues, right?
At first, it looked interesting. What I don't like, is the end.
How did he discovered that the bank clerk is the one who robbed the jewels?
I hoped seeing something like The Franky Job, at first, or maybe with a better script. Anyway, maybe you can still change something. Overall, it's not bad for a first script...
Well, if you don't have speech marks, it's a pain in the ass to know when someone is speaking.
Regardless of your feelings, Brickyman, the script is correctly formatted. You can distinguish the dialogue by the placement under the character names and indentation.
- Aaron
Here is the updated script. character added. some editing
http://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&p … zM3YzE3YTc
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