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		<title><![CDATA[Forums - Bricks in Motion - My new script]]></title>
		<link>https://bricksinmotion.com/forums/topic/12033/my-new-script/</link>
		<description><![CDATA[The most recent posts in My new script.]]></description>
		<lastBuildDate>Wed, 09 Nov 2011 19:01:02 +0000</lastBuildDate>
		<generator>PunBB</generator>
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			<title><![CDATA[Re: My new script]]></title>
			<link>https://bricksinmotion.com/forums/post/250388/#p250388</link>
			<description><![CDATA[[quote=The BIONICLE Hero]After having read over your script, I will say that at the beginning you had me intriqued with it. The idea of a conspiracy surrounding 9/11 did intrique me... But from there... Your execution could use a lot of work. That's not a bad thing though, especially for a first script. The most important thing right now is you do have an interesting concept.

Though I do have to say your execution could really use some work. As the others before me pointed out, it's not in a traditional format. Which that is okay, but it still needs to retain certain things from a traditional screenplay to be fully understandable. Such as scene headers and full descriptions (details of which can all be found on the [url=http://www.bricksinmotion.com/forums/topic/11253/how-to-write-a-professionallyformatted-screenplay/]topic[/url] linked to by mcoov).

To sum it up, I honestly do think you have potential, but you still have a good deal to learn. But considering this is your first script, I'd say if you where willing to take the time and do your research on screenwriting you could be a great screenwriter. You just have to take the time and keep in mind that screenwriting is not as easy as it looks. If you want I will give you a crash course in screenwriting, just send me a PM. I'm always up for helping new film makers.

P.S. TO THE NUIMOBILE!!

:cool:[/quote]



Thank you very much...

And if you don't mind I will PM you... 

I have done more to it, but I won't post more until the end]]></description>
			<author><![CDATA[dummy@example.com (bobp productions)]]></author>
			<pubDate>Wed, 09 Nov 2011 19:01:02 +0000</pubDate>
			<guid>https://bricksinmotion.com/forums/post/250388/#p250388</guid>
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			<title><![CDATA[Re: My new script]]></title>
			<link>https://bricksinmotion.com/forums/post/246601/#p246601</link>
			<description><![CDATA[[quote=Binding Brick][url=www.celtx.com]Even easier.[/url]  Celtx is free and easy to use.[/quote]
story is free too.  wierd idea right?  free...adobe...  they don't go tougher.]]></description>
			<author><![CDATA[dumbbros@gmail.com (dumbbros)]]></author>
			<pubDate>Fri, 07 Oct 2011 23:28:09 +0000</pubDate>
			<guid>https://bricksinmotion.com/forums/post/246601/#p246601</guid>
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		<item>
			<title><![CDATA[Re: My new script]]></title>
			<link>https://bricksinmotion.com/forums/post/246551/#p246551</link>
			<description><![CDATA[[url=www.celtx.com]Even easier.[/url]  Celtx is free and easy to use.]]></description>
			<author><![CDATA[harrypound54@gmail.com (Binding Brick)]]></author>
			<pubDate>Fri, 07 Oct 2011 15:25:38 +0000</pubDate>
			<guid>https://bricksinmotion.com/forums/post/246551/#p246551</guid>
		</item>
		<item>
			<title><![CDATA[Re: My new script]]></title>
			<link>https://bricksinmotion.com/forums/post/246550/#p246550</link>
			<description><![CDATA[After having read over your script, I will say that at the beginning you had me intriqued with it. The idea of a conspiracy surrounding 9/11 did intrique me... But from there... Your execution could use a lot of work. That's not a bad thing though, especially for a first script. The most important thing right now is you do have an interesting concept.

Though I do have to say your execution could really use some work. As the others before me pointed out, it's not in a traditional format. Which that is okay, but it still needs to retain certain things from a traditional screenplay to be fully understandable. Such as scene headers and full descriptions (details of which can all be found on the [url=http://www.bricksinmotion.com/forums/topic/11253/how-to-write-a-professionallyformatted-screenplay/]topic[/url] linked to by mcoov).

To sum it up, I honestly do think you have potential, but you still have a good deal to learn. But considering this is your first script, I'd say if you where willing to take the time and do your research on screenwriting you could be a great screenwriter. You just have to take the time and keep in mind that screenwriting is not as easy as it looks. If you want I will give you a crash course in screenwriting, just send me a PM. I'm always up for helping new film makers.

P.S. TO THE NUIMOBILE!!

:cool:]]></description>
			<author><![CDATA[dummy@example.com (The BIONICLE Hero)]]></author>
			<pubDate>Fri, 07 Oct 2011 15:13:42 +0000</pubDate>
			<guid>https://bricksinmotion.com/forums/post/246550/#p246550</guid>
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			<title><![CDATA[Re: My new script]]></title>
			<link>https://bricksinmotion.com/forums/post/246418/#p246418</link>
			<description><![CDATA[[url]https://story.adobe.com/en-us/index.html[/url]  take a look at this.]]></description>
			<author><![CDATA[dumbbros@gmail.com (dumbbros)]]></author>
			<pubDate>Wed, 05 Oct 2011 21:49:44 +0000</pubDate>
			<guid>https://bricksinmotion.com/forums/post/246418/#p246418</guid>
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		<item>
			<title><![CDATA[Re: My new script]]></title>
			<link>https://bricksinmotion.com/forums/post/246379/#p246379</link>
			<description><![CDATA[[url=http://www.bricksinmotion.com/forums/topic/11253/how-to-write-a-professionallyformatted-screenplay/]Please read this and try again.[/url]]]></description>
			<author><![CDATA[dummy@example.com (mcoov)]]></author>
			<pubDate>Wed, 05 Oct 2011 18:33:52 +0000</pubDate>
			<guid>https://bricksinmotion.com/forums/post/246379/#p246379</guid>
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		<item>
			<title><![CDATA[My new script]]></title>
			<link>https://bricksinmotion.com/forums/post/246376/#p246376</link>
			<description><![CDATA[Hey guys! Long time no see. After me and my  friend falling out  we split up and my new studio name is now: 21ST MELTDOWN STUDIOS.  Now I've been writing a script ( I have never done one before :P) 


I've decided to show you guys my script  



 WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE 
A man wakes up, we see him rub his head, he has a  suit on with a black tie and black trousers

(The man) Ow, my head.

We look around to see him looking round at the scenery.


He gets up and starts walking around dizzily and groaning and moaning and talking to himself

the man:   Jake where the heck have you got yourself into now?

He starts running, and bumps into  a man crossing the street, with a tattoo on his chest, Jake thinks he will get punched.

Jake: Look man I'm sorry about bumping into you, please don't hurt me!

Gruff man: Hey there's no harm, I'm not going to hit you my dear friend

Jake looks at the man strangely 

JAKE: Okay....                            

The man starts walking away, Jake looks back at the man and bumps into a very happy  man with a Soccer shirt on that says number 10 on it. 

Jake: Oh I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT i seem to be bumping  into people today!

sweating nervously Jake  watch's as the man replies

HAPPY MAN: oH I'm sorry for bumping into you my friend, please I am so so sorry

Jake is thinking that something is not right.

Jake:Look mAN IT'S FINE, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

HAPPY MAN: Yeah sure.

Jake:are you in anyway high?

Happy man looks at Jake

happy man:of course not! here in new york  world we have strived to remain drug free for you see drugs are harmful for us lego citizens.

  

Jake walks on taking in all the surroundings

jake:wait a second, did he say new york world?

 Turning round he shouts to the happy man walking off

jake:hey! did you say New york world????

HAPPY MAN: YES,TAKE A LOOK AT ALL THE BUILDINGS WE HAVE, AND LOOK AT THE LIBRARY FOR HISTORY ON THE PLACE!

JAKE:OKAY THANKS!

Walking towards the big library, he goes in and and looks for a book and news paper cuttings about anything going on, Jake realizes something strange going on.

jake: weird  there are no arcticals before the year 2000,tHE FIRST CUT OUT IS A TERRIOST ATTACK ON NEW YORK, BUT PEOPLE CAUGHT THEM BEFORE THEY HIJACKED ANYTHING, FIRST OF ALL IT'S THE WRONG YEAR AND THEY DID NOT CATCH THEM...

Looking even closer he finds out that after the caught terriosts were planning to take over the world, then they found out that they were planning to take down the world leaders.

We see Jake get up and  walk out onto the street, he turns round to see the happy man from earlier bumping into the Jake again.

happy man: hello again, did you enjoy your vist to the library?


jake: yeah, kind of.

Jake looks at Happy man

happy man:sir, are you okay?

Jake looked around him in the distance he sees VERY smiler surroundings, Empire state building, in the distance he sees the statue of liberty. The thing is  we Jake look puzzlingly at the two buildings just down the street.

jake:that's not right...

without a care in world the twin towers are still standing!

happy man: sir, are you alright?

jake:no, i am not alright, i think i know whats going on...

we see a white flash of light, Jake is sitting down on a chair 5 people are around him

man 1: Look we need you to do this

jake: so you want me to kill people?

man 2: NO! We need you to get five people. Just do it or we kill your family

The white flash comes back again, Jake looks a Happy man and says

jake:i'm so sorry.

Jake pulls out a gun and says to the guy  on the other end of his mobile phone

jake: i've got one!

A bright light comes on the screen, The happy little man is now a confused little man

happy man: where am i?

Jake looks round at the warehouse

jake:Yeah, I know where we are.

 A man came over to them,  mouthful of gold teeth, with a orange jacket on with matching pair of trousers, with him were two ( by the look of things) thugs standing next to him.

goldtooh: jake hall, i see you only got 1 of the five  we needed

Jake we can see is now worried

jake:Yes I did Goldtooth sir, and I'm not going back.

Goldtooth pulled out a gun,

goldtooth: Look pal, we have your family hidden somewhere and inside it is a bomb as soon as i give the signal, they die.

Jake got up, tired of being pushed around

jake: LOOK, I AM TIRED OF BEING PUSHED AROUND. NOW LISTEN TO ME

Jake pulls out a gun

Goldtooth's thugs jump on Jake,


goldtooth: mr hall, thats not a good idea.

goldtooth: you four!

pointing to four thugs sitting about.

goldtooth: go over to the over side, anyone tries to stop you... kill them.

JAKE: no! don't do that at all you  piece of...

goldtooth: MR HALL! ENOUGH! NOW FOR THAT OUT BURST YOUR COMING WITH US AND TAKE YOUR BOYFRIEND AS WELL...

Happy man looks at Goldtooth

happy man: hello sir, my names larry and well we are not that type of minifigure...

Goldtooth looks at Larry.

goldtooth WELL 'LARRY' SHUT UP!

10 figures get into a small machine, it looks like a kind of box. A bright light blinds Larry.

goldtooth: Ben you go that way, and harry you go that way [giving them both guns] and larry and jake you come with me with the 5 others...

10 minutes later the group were near the liabary that Jake went in to eariler, 5 LEGO men were standing near a Policeman.

policeman: look calm down please, there were only 2 casualtys so far.

jake[whisper]: What the heck happend?

Goldtooth gets his gun out, cocks it

goldtooth: people put your hands up right now

all the people turn round in shock,the policeman looks flustterd.

policman: freeze! you under arrest!

Jake sighs.

policeman:i said get down [pulling out a gun]

Goldtooth [sigh]: Boys will you do the honor?

Pulling out their guns, the 'boys' started shooting people

JAKE:STOP THIS PLEASE! .

Out of the 6 people standing there, only one remained. And that was the Policeman.

policeman: look please, don't shoot. ALL I WAS DOING WAS TRYING TO CALM PEOPLE DOWN

jake: why?

Jake looks up for the first time, in the distance  buildings were on fire, with a expulsion a building starts collapsing

JAKE: run! run like heck!!

They jump into a house window.

it goes dark and the house shudders. Jake goes over to the radio. He swtiches the radio on.

RADIO: AFTER A FLASH OF LIGHT TTHREE BUILDINGS WERE DAMAGED IN THE PROCESS. ONLY TWO BODIES HAVE BEEN FOUND. BREAKING NEWS!!! ONE OF THE BUILDINGS HAS JUST COLLPASED! IT MAY AFFECT THE.... PSHHHHHHHH!

The radio was useless now, only static was coming from it. 

jake: look the dust has stopped!

Going outside they see dust EVERYWHERE!


Cars are covered in dust, we see a couple of Goldtooth's henchmen laying on the ground, groaning.

goldtooth: get up you two, We can't messabout, the whole city could collpse.

Jake is still in the house, he picks goes onto the computer the people have got in their house.

He looks up on the history on the city,using his skills he finds a artical which reads

Earth close to war! General Smith has warned the whole Earth that the world is at war and nuclear strikes could happen in a matter of months .

jake: hmm, i never seen that before...

Below the newspaper article, he finds a advert about a Doctor called Doctor Granger.

Jake goes out of the house, Goldtooth is now  talking to his henchmen.

Jake: We have to go to Doctor Granger's place

Goldtooth turns around

Goldtooth: really? I never knew you were the leader here, Shut up okay? I'm the leader here now okay?

walking around they see 2 police cars racing round, their sirens screaming away.  The police stop them

POLICEMAN: STAY THERE!

Jake starts running!

goldtooth: comeback here you moron! Your mom as a mega block!

Jake stops, he starts walking back

jake: what did you call my mom????

pulling out a gun and shoots two of the thugs, Goldtooth looks worried.

goldtooth: look mr hall, don't make any hasty decisions. remember your Girlfriend could be a deadfriend in a minute.

Jake shoots two more down.

Goldtooth: Now, your gonna pay.

Goldtooth gets out a mobile phone

goldtooth: do it! do it now!!!!

Jake drops the gun as he hears a explosion.

Jake: NOOO! Right thats it!

Jake turns round to leave and the white light happens again.

JAKE: NO! NO! NO! NO!

Jake looks round in the warehouse.

Goldtooth:Look i know you had to hear that but i one thing I hate is people like   you, people who think they can take me down. I can do alot worse things then that.

Jake is now angry with him self.

jake: just shut,you think you can bully me about! well just think about it this way, i hate people like you, who kill  people for no reason.

with a flash of light, Larry, Ben,and Harry came back with  5 strangers

Jake jumps up

jake: Larry,your back!

Larry stops and turns.

larry: ah, jake it was so scary they have kidnapped these people, I don't know what to do!

jake: no worries, they won't be kill-

Goldtooth is on the phone

GOLDTOOTH: OF COURSE MR BUSH, I CAN TAKE YOUR 'FRIENDS' BACK, ON A FEW CONDITIONS...   YOU LET ME HAVE FULL CONTROL OVER   NYW. What? No?  well then,one of your 'freinds' will be delt with.

we see Goldtooth take out a gun and with a BANG! one of the Presidents ( the other side) officals  gets shot.

goldtooth: ah, now you will budge? NO? Well then lets see if you do now..

Goldtooth gets out his gun and shoots another offical.

goldtooh: now will you budge? you will?? ecellent!

Jake looks at one of the men, he seems familer.

goldtooth:you three sit over there! Go and sit down next to those dweebs!

Goldtooth points at Larry and Jake.

jake: excuse me, do I know you from somewhere?

looking at Jake one of them men looks at him

man 1: no, of course not!

jake: hang on a second! your doctor granger!

Dr granger looks at jake

doctor granger: yes, i am. i went into hiding after i fixed the earth on my side, or i thought.

(we see a bright light) {DR GRANGER NATTRATING)

"I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT I WAS A BRIILAINT DOCTOR, BUT I ALWAYS FAILED AT STUFF...

WE SEE  GRANGER TRYING TO FIX HIS COMPUTER, IT EXPLOADS.

"BUT THEN CAME THE RIOTS, GANGS WERE IN GARS GUNNING PEOPLE DOWN, NO ONE WAS SAFE. #

"one day  after hearing about  nucler wars, i saw my cat playing with cat nip. i brought some cat nip and crushed it so it was like a purfume, i went downstairs  and saw that my son and his brother were fighting a spryed it at them and then they stopped fighitng, after about 6 weeks I heard there would be a terriost attack on new york, i make a big batch and start spraying it round the city, people stopped fighting. Fastforward 10 years, people see me as a famous doctor.

Jake butted in

jake: what like House/

Granger: No, not like House. I saved New yourk from  a terriost]]></description>
			<author><![CDATA[dummy@example.com (bobp productions)]]></author>
			<pubDate>Wed, 05 Oct 2011 18:23:30 +0000</pubDate>
			<guid>https://bricksinmotion.com/forums/post/246376/#p246376</guid>
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